No-title!

What is it that defines 'ugliness' in a woman according to this so-called modern society? Being dark and fat. Will that fit into the 'ugly' category? I think every girl who has been fortunate - I repeat.. FORTUNATE - enough to be dark has been through a lot of emotional trauma of being jeered at or being called ugly, and has her self respect and self confidence levels stoop so low, that she prefers to stay anti-social than go out and mingle with people. So what if she's dark? So what if she's fat? That doesn't stop her from being human. No-one has the right to comment about someone who's on the heavier side. Yeah, maybe you can point out that it's unhealthy, but no-body has the right to call them ugly. 

Probably being overweight wasn't her choice! There may have been circumstances and situations which she couldn't have avoided. Maybe her Thyroid glands were being faulty. Maybe the stress got to her. 

And what's with the racist comments? There's absolutely nothing wrong with being dark. In fact, being dark is being hot. Friggin losers. Get a life! 

Storm

It began with a drizzle.

Then, slowly it picked up its pace and created havoc everywhere its eye looked. Now, it was pouring, and there was no stopping it.

“Have mercy!” I heard a scream. There was more wind now. Its own way of laughing?

Everything flew away from its path, and whatever remained was sure to be destroyed.

And then, there was silence. An eerie silence. Silence so dense and deep that it seemed hopeless.

Everything was destroyed. Many things lay scattered. It had washed away the memories. The pain was bundled up elsewhere. Finally I opened my eyes, for I needed them… To collect the fragments of myself that lay destroyed. The storm had come, with all its might, but I willed myself to survive. I looked around inside my heart. There lay the fragments. Yet again, I set to work.. Collecting them and rearranging them…

I’d wait for the next one. I knew I’d build stronger walls. Would I survive again?

Confessions of a depressed mind...

Mostly about how I think things are. Or how they should be in my case – put it in any way you want. These the the confessions of a depressed mind (not in any specific order):

• We need some space for ourselves. Please don’t annoy us too much. We’re pretty irritable when we’re depressed. And once we react to something you said, don’t blame us for that – you brought it on.
• When we want to talk, we will. Don’t keep asking us what happened. We might not want to talk about what happened.
• Don’t pity us. It makes us feel we’re a bunch of desperate people waiting for someone’s attention. It doesn’t feel good.
• We’re NOT developing suicidal tendencies, so DON’T follow us wherever we go.
• Music is a great way for us to get things off our minds. Even if the song is depressing.
• If we’re depressed, it doesn’t mean we’ve broken up with a girl friend/boy friend. Stop assuming things.
• Not talking doesn’t make us lose our voice.
• We’re not going to be like this forever. We will be back to however we were before this. Please bear with us.
• Don’t keep suggesting things or saying “I told you so”. It totally sucks.
• Stop pressurizing us. It just makes us feel that no one ever understands us.
• We know that alcohol or nicotine are not solutions to our problems.
• Encourage us. Not pester us.
• (In case of girls) We know that we’re girls. Still, it doesn’t stop us from being humans. Girls can get depressed, too.
• We’re not mad. We’re not lunatics on the loose.

More later.

Attack..

The Captain looked out of his cabin aboard the ‘Kuber’, the mighty fishing trawler, which belonged to India. He was looking forward to meeting his children and other relatives back in aamchi Mumbai. The last six months had been nothing short of a nightmare for him. The dungeons… He had seen death in the face… Almost.

He closed his eyes, and tried to stop thinking about it. He inhaled… Inhaled freedom. Freedom after six long, hard, horrible months. The smell of the salty water with a tinge of the sea weeds seemed to enervate him. He looked around his ship… This trawler had been his second home since a long time. He had named it Kuber, because it brought him all his riches. He was who he was because of that very trawler. But six months ago, he had lost his way, and ended up straying on International waters. Dangerous international waters. He hadn’t realized that he had lost his way until he saw a few speed boats coming towards his second home. They confronted him, and on realizing he was an Indian, they imprisoned him along with his crew. He had pleaded, but to deaf ears. He was tortured for the ‘truth’. When he did tell him the truth, he was beaten to a pulp. Finally someone from the Navy had realized that the crew was missing, and sought help in getting him released.

He tried to shake away the pain within him. He just wanted to go back home, and not return to work for at least a month. With these thoughts running across his mind, he walked out of his cabin, and took a light stroll along the deck. He looked out at the sea, and he saw three specks at a distance.

Boats? Here? Maybe some local fishermen had ventured out for some good catch.

10 minutes later, Ashok, one of his crew members reported to him that the boats were approaching Kuber.

Not again.

He checked the map and looked out for the buoys. They were in the Indian waters for sure. They hadn’t strayed.

Then why?… Maybe they’re stranded.

But he had a bad feeling about this. He felt uncomfortable. He ignored that and ordered his men to help them aboard. 10 minutes later, he saw that only one of the boats had made it, and the remaining two had drowned. There were 10 men in that boat, and each of them carried backpacks which looked heavy. They got on to the trawler, helped by his men. They looked young… Very young.

“Kya hua? Aap sab yaha kaise aa gaye?” he asked one of them. He looked like he was in his early 20s.

“Kho gaye hain..”, he said, and he looked at his friend. His accent troubled the Captain. He had heard the same accent for the last six months…

No, what rubbish. Maybe he’s really lost.

The voice at the back of his head told him otherwise. He stared at them. They all had magazines… The same magazine. They held their bags very close to them, and they all looked very serious. They kept glancing out at the sea…

“Kab pahunchenge?” one of them asked…

“do ghanton ke baad” Ashok answered.

As soon as he said that, the ship bobbed a little, and one of the bags slipped out of the owner’s hands. A gun fell out.

There was a moment of silence as everyone watching this registered whatever had happened.

Ashok immediately brought his gun out and fired at one of them.. He missed. They were ready. They pushed Ashok out and shot at him… Twice. He collapsed, but not before trying to shoot at them once more.

The Captain was paralysed. He couldn’t take it… Again. Finally someone fired close to him, and he was back to his senses. There was a fight on board, and for a moment it looked like his crew was winning.

He tried to reach out to the INS Ranvijay, but he couldn’t find the Destroyer’s signals anywhere around. He looked for any submarine’s signals, but they were totally stranded.

With no hope, he pulled out his gun and joined the fight. The trawler kept sailing without any direction. The 10 young men had already killed most of his crew, and now they were in control. They shot the Captain on his leg. He dragged himself to a safer place, but they followed him. They held him captive. He shut his eyes.

“AJMAL! Usko pakad ke rakh! maarna nahi!! Usko kee patha hai kaha jaana hai!” one of them screamed.

This Kasab laughed mercilessly and dragged the Captain out.

“Chala isko! Mumbai ke or chala! “, he said. the Captain had no choice. He had to steer them towards Mumbai. They even had maps. They were prepared.

An hour later, he could see the Indian coast. He tried to steer away.

“Kya kar rahe ho!!??” Kasab asked..

“Yeh Mumbai nahi hai! Yaha nahi jaa sakthe hai… ” he said. They didn’t buy it. He brought his gun out…

“Yeh dekh!! Hindustan ko barbaad kar daalenge hum sab. Maar daalenge sabhi ko! Jihad hai yeh! Yaha se hame patha hai kaha jaana hai… Tera koi kaam nahi hai ab!” he said, and they all laughed mercilessly.

And then they shot the captain, and locked him in the room where he had tried to contact the Indian Navy a while ago.

He knew that this was his end. His life’s happiest, and saddest moments flashed across his mind. He thought about his children… His parents… The day he got his first pay…

“Sham no Varunah!” – the Navy’s Motto. He was losing consciousness. He heard a beep, and he saw a dim red light. The machine came to life finally. He prayed that it wasn’t too late.

“10 armed men. Mumbai coast. Terrorists.” was all he could manage. he hoped the signals would carry the message on time to the Mumbai Naval base.

“Sham no Varunah!” he thought.

The last thing he recollected was his daughter’s carefree laugh… and then everything went blank…..

The Captain had breathed his last.

5 hours later, a message beeped in the Indian Naval Base of Mumbai, but no one seemed to notice.

2 hours later, Mumbai was under attack.

The next day, the newspapers carried the chilling headlines….

“MUMBAI UNDER ATTACK. BLACK DAY!”

(Re)birth...

Breath. The first sensation. The first thing to fill my lungs. Exhilarating. I remember to try and tell them I’m alive. Wait!! I cannot talk yet. So I cry. I bawl, in fact. And everyone’s happy that I’m crying. I realize that this is step 1 of life being so confusing. And I hear someone whisper some soothing things…. Was that God!??.. I try to open my eyes, but they feel too heavy. Instead, I chose to sleep. I could feel a number of people trying to hold me… Trying to say things which I couldn’t comprehend… Things totally meaningless, too, I guess. But one hug stood out. I wanted to know who that was, and I tried to open my eyes, yet again.
Again, I hear the same whisper… And I KNOW that it’s God Himself. Telling me how to deal with everyone… Telling me how I’m supposed to be…. Comforting me when I thought I wanted to go back to Him, siting reasons like “there are just too many of them here. Suffocating. I don’t want to be here!”
I smile… and then I hear a number of things click (my eyes are still shut, you see?).
I’m still curious about that hug… Whoever it was, didn’t touch me after that. I sulked. Everyone laughed. It was not comfortable. I confronted God again.
“Come ON! Take me back! I don’t want to be here!!”
He didn’t listen to me. All He said was “If you can be stubborn, so can I.”
I bawled. Again. I tried to open my eyes, and AGAIN He forced them shut. “Stubborn, eh!? I want to see the world. And You’re NOT stopping me!”, I said. And before He could say something, I opened them. Immediately I regretted doing so. It was just… Too bright. I shut them immediately. But before I shut them, I thought I saw one big grin. I liked it. It looked like it was the same person who gave me a scorching hug. I opened my eyes again, and looked at him. I thought I remembered him… His face was vaguely familiar. Again, before I could say something, God put me back to sleep. And in my dreams, I kept throwing a volley of questions at Him.
“I KNOW that I’ve seen him somewhere, so DON’T lie to me!!!! You told me that lying is bad, so why’re You doing this!!?”
“Fine.”, He said with a sigh. “You’re far more stubborn than I thought you would be. What was I thinking when I decided to make you!? Yes, you’ve seen him around. He went there 5 years before you did.”
Silence. I have company!
“Will he be my friend? Will he take care of me?”, I asked. Very seriously.

He looked into my eyes. “Yes. Now it’s time for you to go back down there. And PLEASE stick to the rules. Don’t be too playful, or things will go horribly wrong…” He said.

I went back down there. And I opened my eyes again. This time, He didn’t stop me. He encouraged me, in fact. He dimmed the lights for me. He asked the Sun to hide behind the clouds for just a few minutes. The first thing I saw was a hand. And then, a big grin. It was a very happy face. I tried to say something, but God just knew that I’d bend the rules. So He had tampered with my orator skills, I guess. So whatever the hell it was that I wanted to say came out as some noise, which sounded a lot like “Goo gaa” mixed with a laugh. Sigh. Where am I? Why am I here? What am I doing here!!?? I thought I heard a low chuckle. I knew that He was already having fun.

“THIS is why you sent me here? To watch me fool around and have a good laugh!!??” I thought. Angrily. (I knew he’d be listening)… Silence was the only response that I got.

Anyways, I tried to focus on the hand and the grin again. And this time I looked up. The eyes were dark, like mine. He had very playful eyes. He kept talking, and I found it fascinating.

“She has such HUGE eyes!!! I wanted such HUGE eyes!!”, he said. I guess I smiled, because the next second he said “Mummy!!! She’s SMILING!!!!”

And then there were a million people all around. I didn’t like it. Not one bit. Even up there, I made sure I didn’t have too many people surrounding me. I just stuck to God half the time. I kept playing with His hair, or hid myself in his hands. It was so much fun!!

Well, whatever. I tried locating that voice. That was the closest to listening to God play around with me. I couldn’t, and I went back to sleep, instead. Voluntarily, this time.

“You SHOULDN’T have done that, you know!?” He fumed.

“WHAT, I DON’T like it when a million people just block my whole view!! And WHY were they not letting me see him!?”

“See whom?”

“Well, him!!!”

“Well, whom!!??” He was amused. Grrr..

“HIM!!! the.. the… You know! The one who was standing next to me… What am I supposed to call him?”

“Er.. Bhai? Bhaiyya? Annayya? Anna? Cheta?”

“Any other language? What’s his name?”

“Varun.” He grinned.

“Oh! Okay I’ll decide what I want to call him. What will they name me?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Whatever they want to.” He said. “Now, go back. Wake up!! And stay awake for at least an hour!! And then, I want you to come back to me. You’ll be very tired, and I’ll have to take care of you. Get it?”

I nodded and went back. This time, instead of opening my eyes directly, I made my ears listen to every sound in that place. I heard a few birds chirping… Something was whirring… Some hums… A few snores (they sounded scary). A lot of talking. It was like a constant buzz. And then I heard him again.. “She wants to wake up, but she isn’t. Mummy wake her up!!”.

I opened my eyes, and turned my heavy head in that direction. He poked my cheeks when I did, and I smiled. No, I laughed.

“VARUN!” someone chided him.

I was all ears. I wanted to know him better.

“You’ll fall down, be careful!!! Don’t strain yourself so much!!! CAREFUL with your stitches!!” I frowned… Weren’t those supposed to be words for me?

“I don’t care. Look at her!!! I want to play with her. I can make her laugh!” he said. Proudly. I DID laugh… Somehow he was a source of comfort…. “Mummy look!!! She’s looking at me. See?” he said… I think I did, because I kept moving my head… Or when I felt too lazy, only my eyes, in whichever direction he went.

I heard the wind sigh, then. I knew that it was my cue to go back to sleep and visit Him.

“BEFORE you start asking me questions, let me just tell you something” He said. I sulked. He took that for a ‘go ahead’.

“You have a lot of work to do down there. I know that sticking to the rules is going to be very tough for you, and that’s why I’ve sent Varun down there already. To help you. He will guide you throughout, and you just need to be good. I want you to understand that you need to bring about a change in at least one person’s life. Well, I send everyone with the same thing. Everyone has a purpose in life. I want you to discover yours.”

I looked up at Him.

“Can I?” I hope He knew what I meant.

“Yes you can. You’re my masterpiece. Everyone down there is my masterpiece. Just remember that whenever you want to give up, all you have to do is to summon me, and I’ll be there. Right next to you.”

I wanted to cry, but I knew that it wouldn’t help. He noticed. “I think it’s okay to cry” He said.

“And… What were they talking about? Stitches…. Falling down…?” I asked Him… He knew I was trying to distract myself. He smiled…

“Well, he gave away his heart on his way to someone who wanted it desperately. And his legs. I’ve replaced his heart and legs. But just 2 years ago, so he has to still be careful. No harm, don’t worry…” He said.

I just nodded. I squared my little shoulders. I hugged Him. “I’ll miss You. A lot.” I said…

“No you wont. I’ll be there RIGHT next to you, but I’ll be invisible. That’s all” He said… I nodded again…

“Remember. Stick to the rules. You’ll have a lot of heart breaks and disappointments… They’ll only make you stronger, and will guide you towards your goal… You will find it out, don’t fret.” He said….

“I’ll always be there…. Right beside you…” His voice was going dim…. I had to go back. And face the new place. All alone. With Him invisible next to me. I wouldn’t disappoint Him.

Random

Subtle changes going unnoticed,

strong desire to scream.

Bottled up thoughts,

all of them ready to be brought out in a stream.

Efforts to contain them all again,

because of the knowledge that it’ll just cause more pain.

Helpless thoughts seeking someone,

who’ll just listen, and not question.

Eyes start brimming with tears,

but the palms wipe them out, for they’ve been hidden for years.

The mind strays away in other directions,

trying to find some distractions.

Will someone listen??

Always been there for you,

but now, I need someone…

Is there any way that it could be you?

Always been there when you wanted,

but now I need someone…

Can it be you?

No questions… No answers…

No advice…Just some silence… Is all I need.

Birthday

Memories: They can either destroy you completely at a shot, or they kill you slowly and softly. Yes, memories have been killing me softly, and every time I’ve tried to shy away from them, I end up being more entangled within their strings. And mysteriously, these strings seem to pull my very own strings.. Or rather this is how I should put it – These memories have been made from the fibres of my very own heart. And that’s why these thoughts hurt so much. Maybe that’s why I can’t free myself from them.

Eight years ago, I had been able to laugh on this very day and celebrate a friend’s birthday. A year later, he was missing from our lives: He just left a big, empty space instead. Vacuum. Just… Empty space, and nothing else. And no one could replace him. The very memory of giving you all those gifts you had always wanted, and to see them abandoned the very next year… All those chocolates… The laughter…..

Sometimes I wonder why God made you. Sometimes I wonder why did he put you in the same school and class as me. Why he made you my best friend. And finally, why he was so cruel to me that he just took away everything from me when he took you. Maybe He loved you too much to keep you for a long time in this big, bad, ugly world.

I miss you.. a lot. and I really hope you’re watching over me from wherever you are. I can’t say “cheers to a long and healthy life”, but I can surely say “This would have been your 23rd birthday, Happy birthday, Shri!!” and I would have hugged you like any little girl would have hugged her brother.

I do miss you. And… Happy birthday. Again.

Always remembered. Never forgotten.
Loads of love.
Roh

Recruitment

December 5th, 2009:

5:30 am

“Wake up Rohini! You’ll be late!”

I mumbled that I didn’t want to go anymore and that I wanted to sleep, instead….

My ears were red 10 minutes later when I finally woke up: Dad had pinched my ears, and I had yelled worse than ever for waking me up.

6:30 am:

We were at the Bangalore Railway Station. I was running along the platforms trying to locate my friends. I finally found one:

“DUFFER!” I yelled, and he actually responded

“FINALLY you reached!”

“Yeah, sorry. I woke up late.”

“As usual. OK there’s a minor problem, your ticket is confirmed, but I don’t think you’ll be in the same compartment as us. We’ll have to look for someone to exchange.”

I stared at him. No, I was glaring daggers at him. I went ahead and dumped my luggage in the same compartment and got down. Then another friend saw me and heaved a sigh of relief.

I saw her parents standing on the platform, and went ahead and spoke to them. They wished all of us luck, and finally we left. I got to sit in the same compartment, thankfully. The whole train was filled with people from the 2006-2010 batch of ASE-Blr: We were going to Ettimadai “City” for our Campus Recruitment.

8.30 am:

S, M and I were sitting and chatting, while A, R and J were slogging. Then M wanted to sleep, so he dozed off.

S and I continued talking while the others kept slogging. After a while, both of us felt horribly conscious that we were the only ones who weren’t even making an effort to study.

We tried to open our books, but we were too excited that this was our first “Batch outing”. Obviously we ended up laughing too much, and earned some glares from J and R.

11:00 am:

Finally we thought we’ll open our books. We took help from D, and he taught us some C Programming basics. Clearly both of us didn’t understand a word, but we had to pretend.

We reached Coimbatore at around 2 pm, and there was a cab waiting for us. Pinky’s dad had arranged for a cab till Ettimadai. We laughed and played till we reached the campus, and when we got there, the first thing that greeted us was a large banner that read “L&T”. We shivered.

The Kerala and TN campus students glared at the Bangalore Campus students: We never got along well. They hated us, and we hated them even more. So all of us got a few glares as we walked, and we just laughed right on their face when they did that.

The campus was BEAUTIFUL, and S and I wanted to explore. R and J wanted to study. A majority of them wanted to study, and so an hour later we found ourselves trying to understand some CAT problem.

S and I got bored after a while, and gave up. Pinky joined us in 5 minutes. We began walking around the same building, and finally ended up in the Mess. The food was awful, as expected.

when we came back, J and R were still slogging. We raised our eye brows and gave them some surprised looks.

Around 1:00 am, after a lot of laughing and chatting Pinky, S and I finally crashed.

December 6th, 2009:

6:00 am:

All of us woke up slowly. I opened my eyes, and J was all decked up and ready. FINALLY that scared me, and I woke up and hurried to the bathroom….. The water was freezing: no hot water in the campus. The weather was pretty cold, and still there was no supply of hot water in the campus. I clapped for them. It took me 30 minutes to get ready, and another 30 to control my anger. We had our breakfast in the mess, and hurried to the pandal where the CTS officials were going to talk to us. . . .

It was boring. there was no other word to describe the mood all around. We had our written test the next day, and the results were out in the night.

S, M, A and I got through, while Pinky, J and R didn’t. They were obviously disappointed. We didn’t know what to say, and we just encouraged them to do well next time. They slogged even more…..

after finding out our panel numbers, we came back to our room. S and I were very quiet, and for once we didn’t laugh around so much. We crashed at 10:30 pm.

December 7th, 2009:

The HR interview was SUPPOSED to be in the morning, but somehow I gave my interview at 1:30 pm. S said that her interview was okay. I found mine okay, too. But then, all of a sudden there were rumors that mine was the so called “Rejection Panel”. I didn’t believe a word of it. When I told S, she wasn’t all that sure. I just shrugged it off.

5:00 pm.

Another meeting. another round of CTS related stuff.

“Around 500 people selected out of 1200. Not a good figure” Ro was saying…

A shiver ran down my spine……

The results were out at 8:00 pm, and I found out that M, A and I hadn’t cleared the PI round. S had. We were VERY happy for S, but sad that we were not in the same company. We had all dreamed about working for the same company. I ended up crying a lot.

S and I went for a walk and she cheered me up. she boosted up my confidence, even though I knew that she was upset about the “results”… She was supposed to leave the campus the next day, but she didn’t want to go. Neither did M and I want her to go. After some tearful goodbyes, we finally got back to our respective rooms. Pinky cheered me up again.

Infy was recruiting the next day, and I wanted to get through that company. No more rejection.

December 8th, 2009:

10:00 am:

We were in the allotted classroom, waiting to give our written test. I was confident that I would nail it. M still couldn’t get over the shock that I had recovered that fast, and he didn’t like the over confident look on my face. And to make things worse, he fell sick the previous night.

I closed my eyes, thought about all the encouraging things S had said…. All the happy things… all the mad things…….. When I opened my eyes, M, A and J were laughing at me: I must have been grinning too much. R looked like she was about to throw up.

2 hours later, M, A and I were confident about clearing the written test, while R and J weren’t. We kept cheering them up. The written test results were out an hour later, and 81 students from the Bangalore campus had cleared it. We didn’t care about the other campus students. when I heard that only 81 had cleared, I found my confidence slipping away.

30 minutes later, I was upset again: I had cleared the written test, but Pinky, R and J hadn’t. I couldn’t look into their eyes.

“Just go do well in the HR. I’m SURE you’ll clear it, man!” Pinky was saying. I just mumbled, and hurried to the HR Interview.

The Interview went well. In fact, that was an understatement. It was AWEsome. I had confused the interviewer apparently. He actually said that I’m very unpredictable.

A few hours later, I found out that 79 of us had cleared. M and I were unstoppable. We kept yelling and cheering in spite of the strict instructions that no one was allowed to make noise within the campus. And all of a sudden we were all hugging each other. I called S and told her, and she started cheering even more.

Wonderful night, it was… But I didn’t want to go back to the room: R, J and Pinky hadn’t cleared the written test. It was very awkward when I went back, and J told me that Pinky had locked herself up for a very long time and scared everyone. Now it was my turn to boost someone else’s confidence. I just knew that she needed some quiet. I asked her to sleep. She did. In the morning, she was fine. She helped me pack: N, Ami and I were heading back home.

We were all very quiet. When we flagged down a cab, they finally started speaking, and I was relieved: I knew they would be fine in no time….

It was pandemonium when I came back home. All my friends were at home, and they were yelling at the top of their lungs: I was the first one in the gang to get placed. My uncle’s kids were happy that I was home after 4 days. They kept yelling till they slept.

Finally, I went back to my room: I had already told P that I had cleared Infy, and she initiated a thread in PFDB. I smiled: she was always very quick.

I kept getting calls, and I kept answering them all…

It was a wonderful feeling…… I was placed, which I didn’t expect at all. There was just one problem: S wasn’t in the same company as M and I. We knew that we would miss each other a lot. We made a lot of silent promises to each other… that we would regularly keep in touch. That we would keep meeting each other regularly. Sometimes, friendship is the only thing that would keep you on the surface without letting you drown. As I spoke to S again, I knew that it was true. S, I owe you one for that…. Love you loads.

PS: Bad writing skills, I know.